The Reason Why I Am Here Is Gone.


As i was going for another walk, marching past this beautiful wheat field, i really started to enjoy the current weather. After last week's heatwave, with temperatures rising past 30 °C, it finally cooled down after some heavy rain and thunderstorms. It's cool now and at around 8PM the sun is down far enough not to feel it's destructive force, but enjoy the few rays it provides me with for the day. Enough to fill up the vitamin D tank, and too little to be harmful. Sun screen is fine and i tend to apply it daily, however my skin just feels different without. It's natural not to be protected at all time. I'm confident my biology was made for that.

I wasn't able to go one of my many usual routes, since the farmer set up an electric fence in front of the pathway. It wasn't connected to any power source, that I am sure of. Asking myself what motive there could be for the farmer to not have it connected, i just detoured. Respect starts with a thought.

I've never walked that detour before. So many new impressions! Cows that just enjoyed the day. What a wonderful illusion, thinking about how the meat i eat comes from purposefully, yet self-determinally living cows. They're born to die, just like i am. I decide their fate, i wonder who decides mine.

I almost never wear appropriate attire, when i go for a walk. How am i supposed to? Just because the sun is shining does not mean the land is dry. Taking rain boots to a dessert, by accident. That i am fine with. It was muddy next to the field. Trying not to fall into one of the many puddles almost made me fall into them. Sometimes it's best just to walk and not worry about falling into a puddle.

No matter how beautiful the birds are singing and how green the leafs are, the forest is a place i have great respect for. A place where i am cautious. Being cautious not because i am afraid, but there are circumstances to be afraid of. They might be one in a million chances, but who determines when chance comes into play? When will the million be reached? Beasts lure around waiting for they're prey, after contemplating their next attack within their cubic burrows. After all, the forest is a place to be alone, a time when i'm the most vulnerable. I listen carefully as I sit down on a bench. I'm alone. But that noise...

That noise. The forest doesn't make noise, it sounds. I hear trumpets and drums. I hear rhythm and melody. I hear music. It's far away, but i can make out a brass band. It's pulling me. I get up from the bench and stare down the long declining path down in the forest. My ears give me directions. The magic of society. No matter how isolated i am, the slightest sign of the existence of another human being pulls me towards it. Isn't that, what makes humans social beings after all?

The forest stops right where the pavement starts. I've never been to this side of town. Fancy new houses. Big cement cubicles, that are aesthetically pleasing, yet they lack what i love about the forest close by. Can there ever be harmony?

The reason why i am here is gone. The music stopped. Would i actually have visited the brass band? I don't know. I never had a destination anyway, it just seemed opportune. I now am heading back to the forest. Walking past a house with loud mumbling coming from the garden in the back. A garden party. A place where people can be happy for a short amount of time. It's so wonderful to be able to just feel the happiness of others, even if there is no happiness inside of me right now. I don't need to be happy right now. Happiness is my destination, not my path.

Back in the forest, the light started to dim. As there is not enough light to cast shadows, the forest becomes a shadow of itself. Nothing has changed, it's just the way i perceive it. I'm walking in circles, knowingly. I've been to the exact same spots less than an hour ago. I come across a fawn, as it elegantly jumps over bushes and then stops to stare at me. I froze sooner. We stared at each other for probably ten seconds, then it decided to take off. I wish we could communicate on a higher level. But who am I wanting to talk to a fawn... Would it want to talk to me? I continue and so the same path became so much different, but here it ends.

I decide to go back home, but i am choosing a route i never chose for the time it currently is. Almost 9:30PM. I haven't eaten, haven't showered, and i still want to write this post. Society has me back. the 3km i have left to myself, i enjoy deeply. I walk into the park, right next to the hill, where a medieval castle sits on top. I am so lucky. There is a watermill. It's not old, it's not special, and it has no purpose except for being a watermill. No electricity being generated, no wheat being grinded. Just a big wheel turning. I watch the watermill for 5 minutes. Isn't it amazing to do things just because you can, not because you have to? I wonder who built this watermill... 

It's time to finally head home. I need to cross the train tracks. There is only one point, where i can cross them safely. I can hear the horn of an arriving train. Maybe 2 minutes, until it passes me?  There is a sign right next to the tracks. It's been sprayed over with white graffiti paint. I know it's forbidden to cross the tracks, but a detour would cost me 15 minutes. So my respect does not exceed 15 minutes, i guess. That high-pitched scratching noise, i can hear the tracks. The train is coming, i hope the engine driver does not honk. I am prepared, but i just don't want him to honk. He did not honk. Next time, i will not cross the tracks.

I'm back home and i think i'm happy.

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