Webcam Anxiety

I've never been friends with a webcam. To be more precise, I haven't been friends with any type camera. Don't get me wrong, i like reminiscing over old pictures, but the technological age that we are in... I just don't like the permanence that pictures now have. I'm changing... Most often for the better, at least i hope so... Who likes smelling farts anyway? Sometimes it's best to just let them (selectively) fade away...

Digital Altering. Here we go! If you're the photographer, you'd probably not like me. I'd let you take the picture over and over again, in addition to you having to show it to me each time you took it. Until we get the pose, lighting, ambience, etc. right. Altering the photo beforehand is important to me. As much as I don't like looking at myself on pictures in general, I really don't like looking at a digitally altered picture of myself. It feels dissociative.

Mirrors, oh my... Seeing the slightest asymetry on my body, then questioning my entire existence. Being a person is hard...

Focal distortion... Please, make it stop... If we could only change the law of physics. What do we have a democracy for? It seems as if every camera is built for a certain distance to the object it photographs. At least in the sense of resembling my vision. Suddenly my face looks like a walrus's, if too close... A very unhappy walrus... Or a mantis, if i'm too far away. A neutral mantis, predators don't feel emotions. Do they?

The Microexpressions... It hurts so bad... I can't control them and they happen often... It's best to just empty my thoughts before taking a picture... Empty thoughts? The intro to a bad joke.

Put this all together, blend it well and you have the base ingredient to my arch enemy: The Webcam... Let's add some annoying lag, but let's not throw the piece of crap (not to be confused with the peace of crab✌️🦀) out the window... Yet...
Oh, on some special occasions, software developers think it's funny to mess with the ingredients. They think it's more important how people perceive you, then how you perceive ypurself. They just flip the image. Strange people... Hello new me! I have never seen you before, you look kind off odd. And who needs that exotic ingredient called A.I., that tries to mitigate all of the physical shortcomings the webcam has in itself? It's just not original! Time to throw it out off the window, I guess?

But I need a job! I need to feed my imaginary kids! Bosses, since the invention of humans are sadistic beasts, that feast on the nagging of employees about stuff they don't want to do. I guess there is no option but to except my fate and fight my battle. Even if it will destroy me.

A few moments later... Done! Wasn't as hard as I thought... Imagine all that money i saved on plastic surgery... Let's go through the steps.

1. It's about me! Whatever posture, lighting, ambience i need in order to feel good, i will apply. "Specialists" may say otherwise, but i didn't ask for their opinion anyway.
2. It's called front-facing camera for a reason... Let me just try to level my eyes to the height of the camera.
3. I'm not attracted to the camera. It has nothing to do with it's ethnicity, i just need some distance. Otherwise it may bring out the walrus in me. My room, luckily, is to small to keep a mantis.
4. Let's stare at my mirrored self for some time. For one week, every day, 30 minutes. Oh, that actually is me!
5. Kleider machen Leute - I know they won't see my nice new pumps, which took ages to break in (the good old synthetic Chinese leather), but i'm not wearing them for them anyway, as i am i, oh my,  oh my... What lovely shoes i'm wearing today! The dress... On point! I won't be getting feedback anyway. So i can assume this to be a reality, at least for the moment.

Webcam, i still hate you, but i defeated you! Face your faith (and me).


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